So, that was a lie. But I’m not going to call a stumble a loss. Not yet at least. So let’s dive right in to part two of my musings on ADHD.

I think it’s worth taking some time to really look at some of the more broad symptoms of ADHD and consider they effect on daily life. As I said in part 1, the typical idea of ADHD fails to truly encompass the scope of it. I’m going to start with the symptom that most impacts my daily life. I once heard it said that, to a person with ADHD, there is no such thing as important, only urgent. It struck such a deep nerve that it has stuck with me ever since. On one hand, hearing it caused this instantaneous clarity in me. Quite suddenly so much of my life and my struggles made sense. On the other hand, I realized that it was a concept I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully articulate to someone who hasn’t experienced it themself. But I can certainly try.

Saying that there is no importance for me, only urgent, doesn’t mean that I can’t tell when something is important. Obviously I can look at my life and see those things that are important. Paying the bills, feeding my cats, going to work, etc. Those are important because if I fail to do them, there will be serious negative consequences for me. But, to my brain, the fact that they are important doesn’t factor into my likelihood of doing them. Take, for example, paying an important bill. Say, my phone bill. Assume that on the day that the bill is posted, I have the money to pay it immediately and I know for certain that I don’t have anything in the near future that that money will be better spent on. I feel like, for most people in that situation, they would just pay the bill right then and be done with it.

Not so for me. Oh, I might think about paying that bill when I first get it. But, and this is backed up by personal history, I wouldn’t get through all the steps of paying. It’s not that I think I’ll need the money. It’s not that I’m being lazy and just putting it off. It’s just that paying the bill is going to require a certain amount of effort and energy and regardless of how important it is, I don’t have a reliable way of accessing that energy. Paying my phone bill is very important. But my brain looks at the situation and says “I don’t care about that, I’m not going to provide any internal motivation to do it.” So the bill goes unpaid.

A month goes by and the bill still isn’t paid. I may or may not have forgotten about the bill by then. And then I get the notification that my bill is overdue and I have some number of days to pay it or my service will be disconnected. Quite suddenly, paying my phone bill has made the transition from being important to being urgent. And because my brain cares primarily about urgency, it dredges up the effort needed to open my phone app, select “pay bill,” and make the payment. Now, from the outside, one might look at the situation and say “paying the bill was still important.” Which is true. But the fact that it was important wasn’t the factor that motivated me to take care of it. It was almost 100% the fact that it had a firm deadline that was an immediate concern.

Important things, as it happens, often become urgent things. Homework, work I’ve been assigned at my job, mortgage payments, picking up my partner from work, the list goes on. And plenty of people can relate to having a month to get something done, only to rush it out the night before it’s due. But for me, pretty much everything is an eight page paper due tomorrow morning that I haven’t even thought about working on yet.

The frustrating thing is, once that feeling of dire urgency sets in, and my brain fully turns itself to the task at hand, I find that I am suddenly laser focuses like I almost never am. The motivation flows freely and I push through and get the job done on time. Frequently I end up turning in excellent work when I do. But anyone who puts off work till the last minute can tell you that living life as a series of high stress spikes offset by stretches of immense boredom is taxing at best.

During those stretches between looming deadlines, I am aware of the work I should be working on. The problem is that when I reach for the motivation needed to actually start whatever it is, I come away empty handed. Which only adds to the stress. It’s a crushing thing to look at an approaching deadline and know the full weight of the work that needs to be done to meet it, but be unable to force myself to actually get up and start. Knowing that at the end of this cycle is a tidal wave of stress and self recrimination that I’ve once again put myself in that situation. It is just as frustrating knowing that at the end of that cycle of dread followed by frantic, panicked work, I’ll have done the thing I needed to do and likely face no external consequences for how I let it play out.

At the same time, as much as I hate how it feels, there is a very real part of me that looks forward to that crunch. During those rushed hours of trying to catch up, my mind feels like it’s finally being engaged in a meaningful way. My focus is sharp for once and it feels like I am finally accomplishing something worthwhile. A major factor in ADHD is a disruption in the brain’s ability to reward itself. Most people get a small, sometimes imperceptible, kick in the rewards center of their brain when the get a job done, no matter how small the job was. It’s why it feels good to have your laundry folded. It’s the motivation that gets you through a tedious job. The ADHD brain doesn’t provide those micro-rewards. It’s only in those stress inducing, all or nothing, do or die scenarios that my brain pumps out enough dopamine for me to actually feel rewarded for the effort I’m putting in.

Paying the phone bill early would be a good thing to do, but it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished something worth spending the effort on. Most people don’t even think about the fact that the main reason they do most important things is that their brain is giving itself little pats on the back each time they work on it. Instead they think “I’m responsible” or “it’s nice to not have to worry about that later” and move on. Which is good. That’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s what makes life enjoyable and fulfilling. It doesn’t feel like you are being bribed by your brain to do important things because when the brain is functioning correctly, it doesn’t really feel like anything noteworthy is happening at all. As is so often the case, those inner processes only become apparently when they aren’t working as intended.

It’s hard to describe to someone how important and urgent are two widely different things and have pretty much nothing to do with each other, because to a lot of people, when something is important, it gain urgency from it’s very status as important. Because the causality is reversed for me, it is entirely likely that things which are urgent will take precedent over things which are important. For example, playing a video game during a limited time event is extremely urgent. So my brain will prioritize that well above, say, doing my job, which is anything but urgent. As with paying the bill, I know, logically, that playing a game on my phone at work is a bad idea that will likely get me in trouble, but when every reward system in my brain is wired to only care about that short window during which I can earn a trophy, it’s almost impossible to focus on the more important work of not being written up. I know that sounds stupid and crazy, but, again, it’s hard to grasp the tangible and all too real effects of a brain that runs differently than your own. Especially when the brain is so convincingly good at covering up it’s own tracks so you can’t consciously perceive the levels it’s pulling all the time.

Alright, this post has run on for quite a while now and I could keep repeating myself endlessly if I don’t draw an arbitrary stopping point somewhere. So next time I’m going to talk about memory, emotions, and social isolation. See you then!